Mother's Day Sadness and Joy

The weekend began with the death of our furry little cutester, Checkers the mouse.  I awoke early Saturday and found him.  Honestly I was surprised he lasted this long; I feel convinced he had some ailment plaguing him since Christmas.  So I felt the usual mixed emotions of relief that his suffering was over, but also sadness.  John can tell you how attached I was to that little guy.  And then of course there was the question of how to deliver the news to Anne Peyton.  Wait until after dance class to tell her, and hope she won't notice?  And then, take his body away and tell her it went to heaven?  I suspected her reaction would be significantly different than when, as a 3-year-old, she learned of Jackson-the-cat's death.

I erred on the side of honesty and told her the sad news before she even got out of bed.  She began crying immediately, then it turned to sobbing.  She asked to see his body (which I had moved to a little cardboard coffin lined with soft tissues), and I obliged.  The sobbing lasted at least 30 minutes, and she refused to eat breakfast.  As I sat with her in my lap at the dining room table, I cursed myself for taking such a direct approach.  But then, a wonderful thing happened.  She said, between sobs, "mommy, I want to do something special for Checkers". 

We decided that would take the form of drawing a picture.  She asked me to draw him, which I attempted to do, and she printed his name and "birth" date (day we adopted him from the Dumb Friends League).  When I suggested we also include a dash followed by his date of death, she politely declined. 

Then, she asked me to draw pictures of his "cousins", and we shared the task of coloring and naming those 5 mice.  Translation on the names: Snakejewel (!?!?! - AP), Mouseketeer (Lisa), Rubickscube (John), Lulu (Tommy), and Sally (AP). 

During this, she said "mommy, this is making me feel better". (this is where the joy - mommy joy, comes in).

Amazingly, she collected herself and was able to attend dance class without incident.  Brief episodes of grief and tears interspersed her day.  I talked to her about burying him, which of course was not well-received.  Lots of talk about how his soul is in heaven and he left his body here because he no longer needed it, and how Mother Earth needs his body to make the soil rich for the flowers.  Still, resistance.  So we agreed to wait another day to decide.

Later that day, I was privileged to be the guest of my neighbor, Elaine, at the annual Spring Fling brunch at her church.  Her daughter couldn't make it, so she invited me!  The entertainment was a group of now-grandmothers and great-grandmothers who originally started as a PTA singing group years ago.  They sang lots of oldies and I got pretty misty thinking about my own song-loving great-grandmother who died on April 6th.

Mother's Day began with a cup of coffee and newspaper in bed, and then downstairs for a delicious breakfast of pancakes and sausage.  The table was graced with some pink grocery-store flowers which the kids had painstakingly picked out.  My placemat was full of hand-made cards and library books and library DVDs the kids had selected.  I'm not sure where this library idea came from; AP did tell me that on Friday at school, they went around the room and shared what they would be doing for their mothers that weekend.  She related that most of the kids mentioned flowers, but she decided to say that she would going to find some library books & movies for her mommy.  Needless to say, I was very touched.  Here is a list of the titles they selected for me:

• My Mom is a Firefighter
• Mommy Loves
• Big Sister Now
• Young Black Stallion (DVD)
• Peanuts Reunion (DVD)
• Knuffle Bunny (DVD)

After church Anne Peyton announced that she was ready to bury Checkers.  And I can tell you it wasn't a moment too soon!  I had tried to avoid any talk of bad smells but that became increasingly impossible!

We collected petals from most of the flowers & flowering trees in our yard, and she oh-so-painstakingly placed them at the bottom of a hole that John dug amongst the daffodils in the back yard. 

She preferred not to watch while I gently placed C's body atop the bed of flowers, but then she bravely placed the rest of the petals on top of him.  Each of us had a message for Checkers, and a prayer, and then she helped us cover him with dirt.  Tommy, who seemed rather apathetic - even amused - through all of this, had carefully selected a memorial stone and (after a brief dispute over who would place the rock on the grave) handed it to his sister for placing.  Anne Peyton told me "mommy, (she pretty much starts every sentence with "mommy"!), I'm really feeling better now".

Afterwards, we had a lovely hike in Roxborough Park 

(well, most of the loveliness occurred during the first of the too-long 2.2 mile hike; after that, it was eclipsed by whining and frequent pleas for "I want up").  :)  Dinner was at a Sonic drive-in and of course it was capped off by some delicious ice-creamy treats.

Honestly I can't think of a more perfect Mother's Day.  Self-doubt did not disappear when I became a mother; in fact, it is even more insidious because now there is more at stake.  But on this weekend I did feel like a worthy mother.